I apologize for the ck of updates . However, writing this chapter brought me a headache . I wrote it several times and it seemed to get worse and worse with each time . Well in the end this is the final version , which I still think could have beeer .

  ---------------

  Bke pov

  Bke : " It's not like that , Lappnd . I never saw you as a dog or a toy , although from your or someone else's perspective it may have looked that way ....... "

  Bke : " What am I saying , even to me it looked that way , although those were never my iinon. "

  I say this with the painful awarehat it is true , even though I don't want it to be . But there was no point in lying . So I start speak frankly , without avoiding anything . Even if these words were to make Lappnd even more angry . After all she would sense if I was lying anyway . But apparently this siy worked , as Lappnd stood still . I don't know if she wants to listen to me or she just catch her breath before attag me , but I didn't care when I kept talkie the furious expression on her face .

  Bke : " I feel something for you , but I could not uand it back when we were a kids . Certainly not before ht together ........ Before that one night , you were like a sister , a friend to me . And I at that time could not imagine more than that . Thanks to the books I uood the cept of love between the same sex but..... I was too young to think about it , much less think of you in that way . How I love my sister in a romantic way ??? Especially since we were both girls . If it wasn't for our first time I would have hought of such a possibility , that I like girls ."

  Bke : " How could I have ever thought of the possibility that we could be a couple , if I back then , thought that I like men ??? And that's why , I thought I loved Adam . So after what happened between us , I was unsure if what I felt for you , was even correct at all . That's why even after that night ...... I did not know what I felt . You , Adam , me ...... A sense of obligation to white fang , to my dream or unscious love for my female bestfriend which is like sister to me ....... Believe me Lappy ...... It all started to fall out of my hands ........ I was stupid ........ But this retionship started to fall apart when we were still kids . As a kid , I did not uand this type of love you gave me back then , Lappy . I uood them only after our first night , but then I was afraid of such ge , and at the same time I could not let you go . "

  I say starting to be a little dizzy , not from fear or my bleeding wound . But from emotions I 't express . After all , talking to my mother as much as painful , was pletely different from talking to the person I hurt , person I love . heless I said Lappnd as it looked to me from the beginning . Simply , as a child I could not think of Lappnd in a romantic way . And once I started to think that way I was with Adam and I was afraid of ge .

  ' I did not know that I could be ied in women . So of course what I felt for Adam seemed to me love at first sight . '

  Feeling that I am lost in my thoughts , I stop to refle the past . Thinking about its will not ge anything . With this on my minde , I take a longe breath , to calm down and tinue.

  Bke : " So, I never chose Adam , because he was better than you . I just thought you and I were too different ........ Adama was a guy who fulfilled in my eyes all the qualities that I thought matched my ........ Our dreams , pns and way of thinking of the world matched each other ......... For me , a girl who reads romances he seemed to by my perfect men . I know this is not an expnation ........ And if it is , it is stupid . "

  Bke : " But I was with Adam because I felt fident in my felings . And with you , because I ....... I have no expnation for this , it was the behavior of a typical , indecisive whore , driven by my own insecurity and sheer fear ...... I was simply already with Adam at the time and that one night with you , threw my worldview out of bance ...... This of course does not ge how I treated you . I should have broken up with Adam but I didn't , which hurt you ."

  I say looking into her enraged silver- blue eyes , which almost begin to give their silver glitter . Acc to what I thought , Lappnd didn't like what I was saying at all . Seeing Lappnd ch her white teeth with anger , the throbbing pain in my bleeding wound on my hand intensified . F me to grab the wrist of the wounded hand to press it against my chest . This of course ged nothing , as the hand tio bleed but at least it eased the pain .

  Bke : " I was just fortable with the knowledge of my retionship with Adam , but I couldn't live without you either ....... You openly never said anything too . You never pined , and when you did , you only talked about Adam . You never refused to meet with me, you even often proposed it yourself ..... I never saw that there was anything wrong , you seemed happy. Yes , I could have guessed that you didn't like it or you suffered from it , but how was I supposed to do that ???? Yes it should have been obvious . But I wasn't sitting in your head either Lappnd . "

  I say , feeling stupid about it . But this is not a lie . Perhaps Lappnd's offers were her way to draw me away from Adam , however she knew very well that I would not give up on him .

  ' This is not an argument , but Lappnd could have left , broken up our retionship . How was I supposed to know how much she loved me . I really believed that if she didn't like it or that she was suffering through this secret retionship , she would leave me . Is it wrong that I thought so ???? I knew about Lappnd's mental health dition however ....... Is it really my mistake in thinking that someone feeling hurt , will let go ???? '

  I think without saying it out loud . I have no idea what was in Lappnd's mind at the time . However, ohing is certain , I did not want to force her into this retionship . We both did it sciously , no one forced anyone , a seems that for Lappnd there was no other option .

  Bke : " And yes , I know , you have warn me about Adam and white fang . But the longer you went on this topic , the more it sounded like your attempt to attack me or Adam , rather than your willio protect me ...... It just made me stop trusting you ....... And this despite the fact that you never gave me a reason, you always told the truth but ........ but you also had never show me a proof . I really wao believe you . But evryone who remained in the anization and whom we knew , told me what a monster you are . You admitted it yourself Lappy !! ...... The white fang at the time was fwless to me and you ...... Everyone in my enviroold me horrible things about you and how much I didn't believe them ........ After a year of listening to this , it burned into my mind."

  Bke : " And when, you fessed to what they accused you of , I felt betrayed by you ........ I was stupid but I was also afraid of you Lappy !!! I don't know if I was afraid of your crazy state back then or I was afraid of the truth about white fang and Adam . I 't imagine how you must have suffered , but uand ......... What I say is not meant to be a line of defense for me ....... But how was I to know that everything I believed was a lie ???? How was I supposed to feel with my feelings for you , when at the same time my old self wanted everything to remain as it was before that night. I was afraid of what others would think , about us as a couple . Yes I know this is not a good expnation at all , it is awful . But I was really afraid of what mom or dad would say about us . I regret what I did to you ......... I feel guilty for everything I did to you . "

  I say looking at Lappnd standing in front of me . Her expressionless face did not ge , as she tio look at me with her crazy eyes .

  Bke : " I Don't Deserve Mercy or a ce from you ......... But I love you Lappnd......... No matter how crazy you are or how much you crave fhting and blood ......... I love you , I'm not afraid to admit it , not anymore "

  Bke : " I don't expect that you tio love me I don't know if I want such sincere feelings as yours , to be directed to me .......... I know you must hate me , in the end you want to kill me ............ However, please think of mom and dad . This is not about me , not about my life ....... but about them . That's why I will do anything just to solve it differently ."

  I speak trying to vey through my words as much emotion as I . Which I think worked , because I sand momentarily flin rea to my fession . However, immediately after that , her face torted in anger .

  Lappnd: " I waited so long for these words , I was so afraid of them ........ As many nights as we spent together , how many kisses we had ..... A you never said it ."

  Said Lappnd with pain-filled words . And hearing her made me realize how much three simple words like " I love you " could ge the whole course of our story . Feeling grief squeezing my heart , I had nothing more to say to Lappnd. I had said what I wanted , now it was time for Lappnd .

  Lappnd : " ......HaHaHAhAhaHAHA...... HahaHaha ..... HahAHAhahHa !!!!! "

  After a moment of sileeen us Lappnd began to giggle , after which she burst into a full-blown ugh . Which was not the least bit joyful . Her ughter was hoarse and full of satire , it sounded as if Lappnd had nothing to describe her feelings other than this ughter . The ughter in which she threw out , her frustration and pain . As before I had nothing to say , I just stood still clutg the Wrist of my injured hand , looking at Lappnd madness.

  Lappnd: " It hurts Bke ......... All these years hurt so much ......... You wanted so badly to talk to me about it , and now you only have so much to tell me ???? No attempts to defend yourself , no will to escape ???? You take it all on yourself Bke ...... What happeo you ???? You always run away but now you stand in front of me ....... You say you will do anything , right ???? "

  Says Lappnd , at first sounding flustered and furious . Then she became fused and surprised , only to ask me o question with a strange ess , to which I nodded in response , not taking my eyes off her eyes , which seemed as mad as before .

  Lappnd : So please ....... Die for me , Bke !!!!! "

  After her st words Lappnd jumped on top of me . We were close enough that I couldn't avoid it . Besides , the pain in my injured hand , slowed me down even more . After knog me down on the bed , Lappnd immediately hit with her knee , just under my crotch . And at that same time she kept the foot of her on the floor , so that by g it on the ground , she directly reinforced the force with which her hands hold my neck .

  ' I'm sorry mom but I 't fight it anymore . I don't even know how I could fix it , I don't want to run away from it . '

  These were my thoughts , when I despite the attack of Lappnd did not defend myself at all . Instead of fighting , my hands were on her beautiful face , to gently stroke her . Staining her with blood , which was flowing out slowly from my wounded hand . Not fog on the pain , all the time I was looking into the beautiful and crazy eyes of Lappnd was gzed with tears . I sincerely hoped that with this I would calm her down .

  But world in my eyes began to blur for me , as less and less oxygeered my body . Despite my attempts to restrain myself , I began to tense all my muscles to free myself , while I try to catch my breath . But then Lappnd's grip on my neck , which at first hurt , became uable . At that moment , my healthy hand , with which I stroked Lappnd's face had long since been on her wrists . Not to fight her ....... I just wao grab her hand o time .

  I was afraid of what was happening , in my heart I didn't know what to do .Yes , I could fight her , but what is the point . Lappnd has already recovered some of her strength so it will be very hard for me to fight , especially since Lappnd is fighting to kill me , and I to stop her . I have less options and skills .

  I could try to break free and run away , but what good will it do me . If Lappnd wants to kill me I will have to run for the rest of my life afraid of every shadow and even if Lappy lets me escape , I will have nothi . I don't want to die , I want to fight for my life . But my instind my heart , told me to tio stroke her bloody and angry face . After all, I've always do when Lapps angry . When I felt the ck of strength in my body , Lappy tears , which feell on me , provided me with a strange ce in my fears .

  ' If this is what you want , why are y Lappdumb ? '

  I was w when suddenly the hold on my urned into a teouy face . With a sudden deep breath the world in my eyes regained crity . I wao cough and turn to the side to again catch my breath , but Lappnd stopped me . The expression in her eyes ged pletely , when with pure flustration , she looked at me with her beautiful teary eyes..

  Lappnd: " I hate you ............ I hate you so much , because I love you ........ And how much I would like to erase you from my life ...... But I 't . Maybe I hate you , but at the same time I still love you ....... Bke , you have no idea , how I struggle , to not gouge out your eyes . But I know that when I kill you , I might as well kill myself . I still hate you, but I'm not indifferent to your life . Despite the hate I still love you. With your death I will lose everything , I still have ...... "

  Lappnd said bringing her face closer to mine . Her geouy face again turned into her hands on my neck . However, this time her grip , was not strong enough to be painful or suffog . For me it was more of a pleasant hold like she alweys do on me. Looking into Lappy eyes , I see her pupils tracted even more , as her breathing became uneven again . Lappnd's knee , located between my legs , start to rubb against my crotch . All that happeoday hurt me so much , what I did to Lappnd and she did to me ...... hurt .

  A now I feel her lips on mihe taste of her saliva mixed with blood took my breath away again ...... Her tooug mine ........ Feeling her , I closed my eyes enjoying the feeling . Is this bad ? Is it normal ? She wao kill me a , now we are kissing . Feeling her knee over my crotch , and her hand pying with my cat ear, I had to stop myself from ing my weak legs around her body . The reason I did this was the pleasure I derived from her knee rubbing against my crotch . I will lost it , if I g to her .

  Bke : " mmmmmmm"

  So in the end I could only mutter when I felt my toes curl .

  ' This is dysfunal , abnormal ...... This probably never had the right to be a normal retionship , but I love Lappdumb.......... I love what she does to me . '

  I thought while feeling the moisture between my legs . My hands despite the pain , ing from the wound , had long sindohe single gold button , that Lappnd still had on her destroyed " white " shirt with thin bck stripse . Underh , was her navy blue tight dress , which thanks to the rain , got wet and g to Lappnd body even more , allowio feel her body shape better . Her breasts , hips , belly . Just when my touch reached Lappnd's hip her body tensed with pain . Reminding me of our earlier fight , in which I hit her iomach with my elbow . Thus making me realize once again , that at some point she really wao kill me .

  ' Now I don't know myself whie of us is the crazy one...... '