"Hey, Talia," I said. "Who's this?"

  ", you remember Faith, right?" Talia asked. "She's my other bestie."

  "Talia, the title of 'your other bestie' ges hands more often than a penny," I said dryly. "Tell me, did you even know this woman a month ago?"

  "Yeah!" Talia said. "We were both taking the same standardized exam from the Fighter's Guild! We were in line right o each other, waiting our turn, since our st names are both Jones, a to talking. And now we're besties!"

  "...Talia, the exams were twenty five days ago," I said. "That's not a month."

  "It is close enough, acc to this druid," Talia said, folding her arms and huffing.

  If I was being ho, I wasn't sure what Talia inteo do with a Novice Certificate in Martial Arts. She had no ambition to join the Guilds, or the Army, or bee a security guard. My guess was, she went through the martial arts program entirely because she thought knowing how to fight was a useful life skill for her. Which... okay, yeah, she's an elf woman in a human city, and she's especially attractive. I see how she'd reach that clusion. Especially sinapoleon Iro the fe-Knight was one of her tutors in the ways of the druid, and he certainly had strong opinions about elves knowing how to fight.

  Still. She didn't need a Novice Certificate to break someone's knees, just strength and skill. But hey, maybe she thought the point of school was to actually learn things, instead of just proving that you already have. Not everyone could have parents who were already good at teag their skills to people.

  "Whatever," I said, turning my eyes back towards Talia's test 'bestie.' "Faith, huh?"

  Faith was a human woman, with close-cropped rust-red hair, a tall frame, broad shoulders, and coppery freckles scattershot across her face. More importantly, though, she was wearing the light grey uniform of the Padin's Guild, clearly designed with the same ideas in mind as the Army's own olive green uniforms; I was a little impressed by how her coat's sleeves were clearly quite filled-out by the powerful bulk of her arms. Usually humans didn't develop that kind of muscle until they were in their 20s, if they developed it at all.

  What robably the more importaail about her sleeves, however, was the dagger-like insignia on each shoulder. Most people didn't have the full chart memorized, but memorizing things was a basic vocational skill for a mage, and both of my parents thought it was important I uood how to read the ranks of the Padin's Guild at a ghat little dagger told me that she was a fresh recruit, and given how ret graduation was, ces were she'd been wearing this uniform for less than a week.

  It was a little funny, holy- this redhead was as green as they e. Not that I was gonna say that to her, though; she's likely already sick of hearing it.

  "So you're this Joseph fellow I've heard so much about," she said, extending a hand for me to shake. "Gotta say, I was expeg someone... smaller."

  "Shod surprise, elf men are in fact men," I said dryly. "Listen, I know you're a Padin and all, but there are a lot of attitudes they push that just are not going to fly here in Greenwood Vilge. For instance, if you try to give anyone a hard time for being gay, we're going to put your head on a spike as a warning to the others."

  "...I mean, I am also gay," Faith said, slowly retrag her hand. "The Padin's Guild is pretty specific about standards of evidence, so as long as I don't kiss girls where they see it, they 't kick me out for it, but... Well, the Padins are all about ging the world, and I'm all about ging the Padins. Proving to them that this is a stupid rule, that gay people be just as good a Padin as anyone else."

  "Good luck with that," I said dryly. "The stupid rules are the point. There's a particur order to things that the Padins fight to preserve, and all deviations from that order are crimes. That's the point." I shrugged. "But hey, it's your time you're wasting. Have fun with that."

  "Joseph," Talia said, pnting her hands on her hips. "Stop being a dick."

  "I'm sorry for remembering the stuff the Padins have done," I said, rolling my eyes. "Anyway, hi Faith, what's up?"

  "...As it so happens, I've been handed my first case, and... well, I need some help," Faith admitted. "You heard about Magister Brown's office down at the Mage's Guild getting robbed, right?"

  "Yeah," I said, gritting my teeth. It'd been in the neers this m. "Bastards stole the funerary effigy of my fug grandma."

  "They stole more than that, too," Faith said, reag into her satchel and pulling out a folder full of papers. "Acc to the report, they also stole an occult reliquary taining a bound Succubus."

  "...Why did he even have that?" I asked, frowning.

  "Apparently, succubus reliquaries like that one have been cirg through the hands of the rid powerful for a long time," Faith said. "Lotta dirty old men who like the thought of a hot chick who wouldn't dream of telling 'em no."

  I grunted. "Alright, well... what're you gonna do about it?"

  Faith stowed her folder bato her satchel, and withdreair of copper badges shaped like swords. "gratutions, you two have officially beeized by the Padin's Guild. You'll be entitled to financial pensation for your time at the end of all this, and if we do recover the stolen goods, I've heard it looks damn good on a resume."

  "Yeah, like I'm gonna go back to the fug Mage's Guild," I muttered. "But... Fine. I don't have anythier to do, anyways."

  "We could blow off the iigation to fuck like rabbits?" Talia suggested.

  " you chill for ten minutes?" I asked, frowning. "Seriously, girl, what is wrong with you? This is not normal. Faith, back me up on this."

  I regretted that instantly, as Faith looked me over with an appraising eye- it wasn't the first time a human girl looked at me like a pieeat, and it probably wouldn't be the st, either. Not when my father was one of the most powerful and iial people in Greenwood Vill-

  "Not yet," Faith said, which stopped me dead in my tracks as she shook her head.

  "It'll be a while," Talia said, patting Faith on the shoulder. "Don't hold your breath- elves be really stubborn. Especially this one."

  "...Hang on," I said, frowning. "Is this about that fug spiracy theory that I'm secretly a girl? Because if so, both of you fuck all the way off. I am sid fug tired of people ag like 'elven man' is an oxymoron. I'm six feet tall, strong as an ox, and have hair on my fad my nutsack. I don't know what else you people wao do to prove I'm every bit a man as a human, but I am sick of it."

  "...I see your point," Faith said, turning to address Talia.

  "Look, just- get to the point, already," I said, ping the bridge of my nose. "Do you have any leads whatsoever?" I khe Guilds teo be pretty dysfunal, but 1) the Padin's Guild was supposedly the least dysfunal of them all, aside from maybe the Thieves' Guild, and 2) there was no way ihey'd given a case like this over to a raw recruit who didn't even have any Padin's Guild training without some reason to think she'd succeed.

  "Someone ihieves' Guild probably did it," Faith said. "No idea who, but they tend to crack down on unapproved robberies, and sihey're not doing anything... well, that means it robably them."

  I grunted. "Fantastic." So she doesn't have any solid leads from the Padin's Guild.

  "Yeah, I'm ly looking forward to it either," Faith said, scowling. "Fug Thieves' Guild. They talk a big fu' game about how their role is to humble the mighty, and fight the corruption i in the system, while they pretend they aren't the corruption i in the system. They're nothing but chartans and thugs and brigands, preying on whoever they get away with victimizing in order to liheir own pockets, and g 'oppression!' whenever someone fights back. They're bullies, and the fact that they get to be a majuild is one of the biggest problems we face as a society."

  She ended her little spiel by spitting on the ground, folding her arms, and huffing.

  "Well, if we just have to put a few bullies in their ptil one of 'em tells us who stole the statue and the reliquary..." Talia said, looking at me with a grin on her face.

  "We'll resort to that after we try doing it properly," Faith said dryly. "Joseph, I hear you're a Wizard. Is that true?"

  "Yep," I said, nodding. "Good enough to join the Mage's Guild, if it wasn't for the fact I'm an elf with a spine."

  "I'm gonna need you to cast some divinations for me," Faith said, pulling the folder out again. "You got anywhere we sit down and talk about the details?"

  "Thank you," Faith said, politely taking a sip from her teacup, before her eyes went wide. "...oh, holy shit, if this is tea, what the hell have I been drinking?"

  "We have a lot of words for human tea," Mom said politely. "Most of them are scatalogical."

  "Urinary, really," Dad said from his armchair, the neer in his hands.

  "No, no, shilushka means diarrhea or badly-brewed tea," Talia said.

  "We call human tea 'pee-pee-poo-poo water' except in a variety of flowery euphemisms," I said, staring straight at Faith. "Let's set that aside for a moment, Faith: you're eighteen years old, and a first-grade Page who only joihe Padins a week ago at the lo."

  "Actually, I got hired a few days befraduation," Faith said. "It's been almost two weeks."

  "Faith, do you know how long Padins typically spend in Guild training before being given jobs to handle on their own?" I asked. "Because I know. I know a few people who joihe Padins, and still e back here to visit family and friends. And they all say-"

  "Four years," Faith said. "A year in boot camp as a Page, to drill the fuals. Then three years of low-stakes on-the-job training as a Squire, being directly mentored by a senior Knight as well as receiving itent training from other Knights. Only when you bee a Knight yourself are you trusted to handle an assig on your own, and even then, only assigs that the chapter's Casteln thinks you handle." Faith set her teacup down. "You wanna know why I'm not in boot camp learning how to actually do my job, Joseph? You wanna know why a first-grade Page icked to do a job like this?" Faith leaned forward, pale yellow eyes pierg into my soul. "So would I."

  She leaned ba her chair, and drained her teacup like an alcoholic hitting the whiskey.

  "This sounds... messy," Dad said. "Joseph..."

  "You know me," I said. "You know how cautious I usually am. For now... For now, I don't think you o trouble yourself with this. It's summer, anyhow; you're about to have your hands full." The Ranger's Guild was one of the least offensive Guilds to High Elven sensibilities; the Rangers were, as a general rule, very respectful towards elves, even if they hadn't grown up around them, and sidered the traditional elven affinity for Primal magic to be something worthy of emution. As such, while Dad was not a member of the Ranger's Guild, they very much were willing to pay him very good moo help them run their summer camps, and give him a few free slots to hand out as he so pleased; and as it so happened, plenty of kids growing up in Greenwood Vilge wao go to summer camp and one day join the Ranger's Guild.

  "Joseph..."

  "For now, Dad," I repeated. This wasn't some youthful flight of fancy; his hearth-mother's earthly remains were at stake, here. But... he didn't have the time to deal with this, right now. And... well. Besides.

  I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a man, now. And it's time I start ag like it.

  "For now."