Good morning.
She looked down, and he saw her bloodshot eyes. “Y-You’re okay…?”
Yeah. Sorry to worry you like that.
“Beganism… doesn’t teach people to hope. Not really.”
On Earth we have religions, even though no one’s ever had good evidence for gods even existing. It had been a major shock when he’d been sure he was dead and found himself standing in front of a literal goddess. Giving people hope is one of the major things they do.
“Sounds nice,” she murmured listlessly. Her stomach growled.
Baz mentally winced. The catgirl had run off with the jerky, so they didn’t have any food. Alara… didn’t look good. She was haggard and pale, covered in sweat. Finally, she dropped to her knees and just stared into space.
They did have a little food though. Eat some of my leaves.
She shook her head. “Baz, no.”
If you collapse, we’ll both be screwed. It’s not like I can water myself.
She reluctantly took three of his leaves and slowly chewed them. “I wish you didn’t taste so good.” She slowly picked herself up.
As they continued, the sun rose higher. Alara drank the last of their water and ate two more of his leaves.
“I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up,” she murmured.
We are not giving up. We’ve come too far. I believe you can do this.
She gave him a sad smile and kept going.
Wait, what’s that?
He saw movement in the distance. He felt Alara take shuddering breaths, and her pace quickened.
She waved and called, “Hello!”
A corner of Baz’s mind fixated on the possibility that this was something that would bring their adventure to a tragic end, but he said nothing.
As they got closer, it turned out the shape in the distance was a man. He had brown skin and short, dark hair, so he looked sort of Middle Eastern or maybe Indian. He was wearing a simple, tan-colored robe, and had a bow and quiver slung over his shoulder. He wore a broad-brimmed straw hat, decorated with some turquoise stones.
The man waved and called, “Kama pona!”
Once they were standing only a few feet apart, Alara cleared her parched throat. “Hello. We’re trying to get to Vitry, and—”
“Sina pona? Sina ala telo…” He looked a little worried.
He wasn’t speaking English. (He’d have to ask about why they spoke English here at some point.) The phrasebook!
“Oh, right!” Alara pulled the phrasebook out of her pocket, squinted at it, and said, “Mi waso ilo li mute… linja soweli?”
The man peered at her and replied, “Sina pona?”
Sweating, she looked at the book again, “Uh, Mi ala jo kalama lipu, ijo ike?”
“Mi ike, sina pona?”
“Uh…”
He motioned to the book, and she handed it to him. He flipped through for a bit, then said, “I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year and so are the mangoes.” He had a thick accent, which to Baz sounded vaguely Mediterranean.
They stared blankly at each other.
He held the book out. “Ike lipu?”
Are you sure the phrasebook is legit?
Alara took the book back and scrutinized it. She read aloud from the title page. “Published by Colonel Zonko’s Japes and Jests, Ofanopolis, 1679 G.K.”
G.K.?
“It’s the year, since the ascension of the Golden King of Yunqarth,” she said dully.
The man grinned. “A! Zonko! Zonko lipu li pona!” He motioned for them to follow and started walking. “Tawa mi poka. Tomo li poka.” He had an oddly singsong way of speaking, and he radiated friendliness.
I think he wants us to go with him? Baz offered.
“Do you think we should trust him?” asked Alara. Her voice sounded hoarse.
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I don’t think we have much choice.
The man turned back and waved. “Tawa mi poka! Poka jo telo li moku!”
Alara started after the man, and before long they arrived at a small village nestled in a tiny canyon. They could’ve easily missed it in the sands. Her footsteps slowed, but the man said, “Tawa mi poka! Ala palisa!”
As they continued through the village, people looked up or poked their heads out of windows. Many gave friendly waves and called “Kama pona!”
A woman hurried over and held out a clay jug of water. Alara teared up a little as she took it and gulped down the water. She paused and gave Baz some as well. As a human he’d known the relief of quenching his thirst, but this was on a whole other level. He used Rapid Growth to get more leaves going so he could better photosynthesize. Once Alara had some more and gave the jug back, they continued on.
The man stopped in front of a house. It had a sign with a flask of bubbling green liquid painted on it. He called “Del! Ona tomo!”
Alara’s breath caught. Had they finally found him?
The man who emerged was… exactly like the illustration of Del Kask from the book. The artist had really captured him. He smiled at the man. “Toki, Koro! Seme ijo?”
Their guide motioned to them. “Lukin ona.” He added, “Mi wile tawa,” and headed off, leaving them with the alchemist.
“Uh, hello,” said Alara. “Are you Del Kask, the alchemist?”
He folded his arms. “That depends. Who wants to know?”
“Oh, my name is Alara, and—”
“Alara? I hardly know ‘er!”
“Huh?”
He held up a worn book titled Colonel Zonko’s Little Book of Hilarious Puns & Provocations.
Alara stared at it, then handed him the phrasebook. “You… might enjoy this.”
He grinned. “Zonko did a Borannese phrasebook?” He eagerly opened the book and promptly burst out laughing. “Linja soweli! Amazing! I bet that had Koro rolling!”
She smiled awkwardly. “Er, yes. But, are you Del Kask? We were hoping to get a People Potion.”
“That’s me,” said Del. “Del Kask, legendary inventor of the People Potion. Unfortunately, I only ever made two doses, and my cat got into the last one and ran off.”
That explained the catgirl. Let me guess, a cat that’s incorrigible about eating plants?
“Oh, totally. The one good thing about her running away is I won’t have to clean up green cat puke anymore.” He stopped and looked around. “Wait, who said that?”
Alara held Baz up. “Er, this is Baz. He used to be human, but Begana sent him from Earth in the form of a houseplant.”
“Oof. Sorry. You saw my cat though?”
Uh, yeah. Out in the desert. She seemed healthy at least.
“That’s good. She’ll probably come back eventually.” He sighed. “I’d brew you a new People Potion, but crystal dragon bezoars…”
Are incredibly rare?
“Yeah. This is the wrong continent to get much in the way of dragons, much less crystal dragons.”
Do you think it would be worth trying to find one of those?
Kask bobbed his head back and forth as he thought. “If you don’t have… a good sixty thousand gold rings I wouldn’t bother. They hardly ever come on the market, and no offense but I don’t like your chances of surviving a trip to Corvath to try and find one yourself.”
Alara grimaced. “That’s… across the Ocean of Mu.”
“Yup. And the closer you get to Corvath, the more infested with sea serpents it gets.”
She looked down at him. “I’m sorry, Baz. I don’t think…”
It’s okay. He mentally sighed. Once my morphic hyperstabilization wears off we can see about hiring a transmuter.
“That’ll take a decade though,” said Alara. “Are you sure?”
Yeah. I’m sure.
Kask folded his arms. “Hmm… Tell me a joke.”
“What?”
“No, him. Did you know the original Zonko was from Earth?”
Alara looked down at Baz. “I… did not know that.”
Baz suspected she hadn’t heard of the Colonel at all before today. Uh, okay. So, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi turns to the priest and says, “Hey, did you hear the one about us?”
Del cocked his head to one side. “I… don’t get it.”
There were too many cultural references in that one, so Baz went for the kinds of jokes his dad liked to tell on car trips. Okay, where do birds stay when they travel?
“Uh… in trees?”
Nope, someplace cheep! Cheep cheep cheep!
Del stared at him, then let out a snort of laughter before he doubled over guffawing.
Baz wasn’t sure where Del was going with this, but he pushed the advantage. Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because she was a little horse!
Del fell to his knees laughing and pounded his fist on the ground.
A book fell on my head the other day, but I only have my shelf to blame!
When Del finally stood up, he was gasping for air and wiping tears from his eyes. “You’re alright, houseplant guy.” He cleared his throat. “Tell you what. I’ll see what I can do to help you out. I probably can’t make you human, but I might be able to get you back some of your faculties. Maybe a mouth and vines you can use as arms, that kind of thing.”
You’d do that for me? They’d just met, and it was a lot to do just because of some dad jokes.
Del shrugged. “I’ve been hanging out and supplying the locals with potions. I could use a challenge. I got so famous from the People Potion that I’ve been resting on my laurels.” He grew more animated and started pacing. “Maybe I’ll make another breakthrough in transmutative alchemy!”
I have no idea if either of us will get anywhere, but maybe you could teach us about alchemy while you’re at it?
Del bent down to look more closely at Baz. “Humility and ambition are an odd combination, but like my teacher told me, an alchemist who doesn’t know their limitations isn’t long for this world.”
Alara nodded. “There’s a reason there’s no longer an Alchemist’s Guild in Ofanopolis.”
Del nodded. “A rare instance of something exploding there without Begana being involved. But yeah, if you want to give it a try, I don’t mind. Ooh, with an extra pair of hands I might be able to do more potions to sell to the merchants who come through town. I’ve been wanting to buy a new crucible.”
You never tried to teach any of the locals?
“Oh, I have actually. Most couldn’t really hack it, but I did have an apprentice who wound up running a shop over in Venaris. She still sends me letters once in a while.”
Hey, seriously, thank you. This whole thing has been hard, and… I dunno what I’m trying to say. Just, thanks. If Baz had had a throat just then he’d be getting choked up.
Del smiled and patted Alara’s shoulder. “My teacher took me in when I was a poor kid on the streets. When I asked him what I should do to repay his kindness, he said, ‘Do what you can for the next person you come across who needs it.’” He put his hand on his hip. “You’ve clearly been through a lot, so today you get some food and rest. Tomorrow you can start learning about alchemy. And learning Borannese while we’re at it.”
Alara nodded and wiped her eyes.
“Is… something wrong?”
She cleared her throat. “I just… I realized we’re not under Begana’s thumb, and it feels… good.”
Thus ends the tale of the First Apostle of Begana. It was after becoming a houseplant that Baz learned some important lessons about being human, and it was through helping him that Alara found purpose for the first time in her life. Del meanwhile made new friends and rekindled his love of alchemy, and he got a new source of dad jokes to boot. We may yet check in on them again, but for now, know that they found a new way to live that made them happy.
Appendix: The Eight Principles
- Don’t get Her started.
- Do what She says.
- Don’t even mention other gods.
- No hats; She doesn't like them.
- Accept Her gifts with gratitude, but never ask for more.
- No murder, stealing, cheating, slavery, etc.
- Treat people decently.
- Keep the Customs.