I sat there observed the world, it kept moving on, I lost and what felt like a dead end ... didn't feel like that, my ego stopped me. It's as if another version of me is calling me a loser, all those words of son of Lucifer coming back in a horde, I picked this fight because I was too scared to let go, as the fight went on I began to miss the thrill all for what ... me scared to make the first move, and yet even after all that I can't simply end it. Because a part of me believes I will spite the world by ending it, but by not ending it I am only making it both a bit sadder and happier ... happier for that one person I met who plans on moving. This is dumb. Why did I decide I wanted this, all I hear in my head is the ringing "change and evolve, be better, I wanna live without that one part of me, but I can't, I can't let it go, just like how i choose not to swear, I can't live up to god if I don't know him and how he is".

  I wanna have a bucket list, no matter how useless I feel I need to go on, I wanna have a bucket list, no don't pick up that gun, I need this bucket list ... you good ... that's what I wanna hear, a simple hey is a good start, no mirrors I crack mirrors, I need to say hey but I can't seem to change, I am a puppet to my own losses. People enjoy walking in the night I thought when the clouded thoughts began to disapear even without a star in the sky. I like the purple hue, I would want a bucket list.

  I am calm, you are calm man, calm down, and then I started counting every good thing I had. When you know you can't hurt yourself any other way, you keep a gun by your side, quick and fast. Because I can shoot my knee, it can be stabbed, it can't be hurt by warmth ir I would have died a long time ago.

  I have money, something that makes human a human.

  I have a friend.

  I have passions.

  I have freedom.

  I have the chance to be better, ... I don't think I can change no matter how much I state that fact, I feel lost, I dont decerve it. I can't even percieve the worth in one of those fallen down in my basement, jail cell, what you call it, I have the understanding and I know it was bad, but all I am is caring for ants wishing I was one myself. In the end all I ever was yearning for was a little more hate in my bones, a little more fun again, like a person addicted to a high he can't let go.

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  A high I have let go, and all I wanna do now is not have to think, let my cronies do the bad parts of the job, let me rest, and it just ends. I feel mounted to a wall as if puppet strings are controlling me. Everywhere I go I see those cross looking things mounted above me as if all my actions are just that anothers. I wanna sleep, forget all this love I have, let it go, live without it, a part of me that isn't logical and the issue with those words is I have changed, even if I don't wanna admit it. I think about that dumpster and think, was I really that much of a bad guy to have made her try and numb the pain away. It almost feels like everything I can blame onto someone else comes right back to me, like the world correcting me in a some way. I don't think I could hold a gun anymore, I have gone soft, I don't think I believe in anything better because I still wish for the things I did yesterday. I have changed, but not enough. Cowardice isn't change, but it is a choice, a choice of inaction. I see that man looking at me, telling me to kill again, that man in the mirror isn't me, but he sounds like me, looks like me, has the imperfections of me, and asks me if everything reset will I kill again? Will I be the bad man I was before if I had no past with them who made me love? The only thing I could say was yes, because love made me a coward. I don't wanna be a king anymore because I lost so much getting here, way more than he ever would, ...

  I DON'T WANNA WRITE ANYMORE, I wanna win. I want a better life, crossing out pages and pages of words, you start realising those words were words, they meant nothing but to be a reminder of who you are in the now. I hear their voices outside of this door and as I go stumbling trying to unlock myself forgetting the vaccine, a part of me wishing it wasn't them, because I don't wanna feel this way anymore, a part of me wishing it was them because I wanna be better, then I open the door and nobody was there. Almost like a reset. Fin.