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  I was at a daze, didn't know what was real and not (deep down knowing it was real). All those people if they were just like that man I met maybe I did a wrong thing. I was never taught so maybe I was never wrong, I didn't kill em, but I was still a reason they died. I don't know where my story leads anymore, I can't sleep there right below me is a pile of bodies in a mush, and my house is practically holding a graveside or cemetary. I never cared before, I don't even have a heart that beats. But the simple question what would I do if I were never petty eqlipsed me. I didn't want to go to work anymore, didn't need too, but it was the only choice I felt like I was able to make to take back some of my freedom. To let myself know I had control. I wonder what all those people I took money from look like at this moment, all I see is them either sad or me just the bad guy.

  Nothing of importance and uniqueness was happening so I took my gloomy self to the man who was like a physical safe space to me. I of course did that right after a long work day, it was in the middle of the night and instead of being home alone or at home at all I found his place and brought beer even though I never drink. Confused at first he agreed and let me stay the night. He talked about how he was planning to move away and how this was a trip for him to earn some money so that he can find a better place than this rugged old building.

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  "What would you do if you were the reason your slaves died", I asked.

  "Are you asking me to be your slave", he asked.

  "Noo", I responded.

  "Were they black or all white", he asked.

  "Yeah", I said.

  "Then I care less ... still care", he answered as if it were a hypothetical still.

  "Why ask", he asked.

  "No no, I was just asking an if question", I answered.

  "Your hands are softer than a black mans asshole, why would you say such depressing ifs foe, must be the life of the party I guess", he answered with words I never knew I could hear in connection to each other.

  "I feel lost", I asked, the me years ago would never say those words.

  "Then do more good than bad, you feel lost but your not dead yet are you, means you ain't lost just confused", he answered.

  I still felt lost and felt like my life was turning a different way. The true me can never be told of, but maybe one day all those deaths were of reason if I do the one thing they were never able to achieve, make a land of true freedom, no motive, no enemies just my children. I felt like a spark lit, even if I was still doom and gloom, now I needed that vaccine but for something else better than me. We drank the night away, I drank water and he drank beer. Then we slept like kings. Fin.