“You hired a Basement Horror." Zoli examined the newest Deputy Zone Leader – who was, incidentally, a Specialist, not a Representative. It was basically a head-sized sphere with two stubby legs, thick grey skin, and an enormous mouth. Basically, it was just a mouth with stubby legs and some skin.

  “Yes, Honored CEO, we felt it prudent to hire a Dire Basement Horror.”

  “Dana, we have caves, not basements. While progressively redesigning cross-base systems is a very good way to streamline future-proof relationships with the goal-oriented interfaces, the Org Chart and the Process Map clearly stated the need to exploit distinctive niches. In the current case, a cave- and not a basement-dwelling workforce.”

  “I will fire the incompetent random HR representative, who flagged the Basement Horror as a potential New Hire. I will also instruct the other representatives to collect enough data on the New Hire to make a termination feasible.”

  “What?!? The Basement Horror should be still in the trial period! You could send it on its merry way without much of a fuzz. As for the HR agent, no need to terminate the employment. Please make a note in his file, that they will never be eligible for promotions or bonuses. However… To seamlessly incorporate alternative content, I have envisioned not just green, environment-friendly, sustainable innovations, but also integrating emerging infrastructures. Those would include basements too."

  “Honored CEO, you also want buildings?”

  “Of course. A hidden cottage here or there, a small cabin in the woods, maybe a watchtower or two. Maybe putting a castle at the entrance of the Mountain Biome. Such. Jenette, Colette, Ellen, I expect a modified Business Plan, Org Chart, and Process Map by next week. I trust the rest of the new hires are more in line with what I outlined in the Plan and the Chart?"

  Since it was Zoli, who signed the Business Plan and the Org Chart, it was he, who outlined everything, and not one of his manager's drones. At least as long, as it was working. I something went wrong, it was the fault of some intern, who failed to grasp the excellence of the plan.

  “Of course, honored CEO. As Interns, we have a hive of Venomous Stinger Hornets, some basic Stick-In Rabbits, and a nest of Fire Ants. As the current Zone Leader is a Fox, the compelling solution was to hire another three families – one each of Kleptofoxes, Cryptofoxes, and Drop Foxes. Furthermore…"

  “Wait a minute. Efficiently delivered goal-oriented action items are in order to communicate cross-functional bandwidth to coordinate 24/365 deliverables!"

  “Of course, honored CEO. To recapitulate their applications and process Skills, Kleptofoxes are these adorable little buggers, who steal… khmm… sorry, I misspoke… redistribute valuables and repurpose ownership of everything they can. Cryptofoxes are named as such because it's almost impossible to find and see one. They can, however, sneak up on everyone, and deliver a nasty bite. Drop Foxes only hide on trees, and drop on unsuspecting customers. Harold, would you be so kind as to send their Character Parchments over to the honored CEO?"

  “Yes, I will inform the Team Leaders to do so immediately!”

  “Please instruct them to send the other data over too.”

  “Of course.” Neither of the Managers pointed out, that the data was already sent over. A CEO simply can’t watch out for information and read every last message, they receive. They have more important things to do!

  “As for the other Representatives, there are a few Stick-In Rabbits to reinforce excellence with the Interns, two Weasels, and a couple of Stone Snakes to competently exploit backend channels. The team discussed the latter's placement, and there are these spots, right here, here, and here, that just scream 'lavatory'. They will, so to say, catch the customers with their pants down."

  The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  “Oh, we have three lavatories? GOOD! No one could accuse us for… you know! Should we put up signs?”

  “I don’t think so, honored CEO. That would be limiting choices and forcing conformism.”

  Well, the “lavatories” were just slightly secluded places behind bushes or rocks. Calling them lavatories was a stretch to begin with.

  “In order to prevent accusations, we are too animal-centric, without considering alternative lifeforms from different Kingdoms, we would also like to hire a Vampire Oak, a few Siren Raspberry bushes, and a couple of Spikespitter Vines. Not to forget, Boomshrooms."

  Zoli, receiving the data package from IT perused the different new hires.

  The Stick-In Rabbits were just aggressive rabbits with a horn on their forehead. With a high enough number, they probably had a chance against an office worker, but obviously, they liked to attack en mass and with the utmost surprise.

  The Weasels weren’t much of a threat, but Zoli could see synergies with the Kleptofoxes – annoying the customers with arbitrary actions in order to weasel them out of their money. Pun intended.

  Stone Snakes were around thirty centimeters long, camouflaged like mossy limestone, and had a paralyzing venom. There were synergies there too. A paralyzed customer, overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices was more prone to impulse-buy things, they didn't need or want. At least, so Zoli was told in a workshop about direct marketing.

  More interesting was the shrubbery, HR presented him with.

  Vampire Oaks were… well… oaks, with tendrils to bind customers with and suck out every last drop of blood. While the tendrils were strong, they were still quite easy to damage. No one – especially not the Stockholder – could accuse Zoli of being unfair.

  Siren Raspberries spread an enticing scent, leading customers to take free samples of the beautiful, appealing, and delightful red fruits. Incidentally, the fruits were full of sedatives too. Zoli approved of HR's suggestion to place them near the lavatories and the Vampire Oak. The Representatives there would be empowered by the elastic synergies, leading to proactively networking hyperscale solutions.

  The Spikespitters were symbiotic vines, living on trees, and spitting finger-long woody spikes at customers when they got close. What made the spikes dangerous to everything higher on the corporate ladder than Interns was the slightly numbing agent included in the projectile. The Process Map placed one of the Vines on the Vampire Oak, while the other four were randomly distributed in the Zone.

  Finally, Boomshrooms were puffball mushrooms, around ten to fifteen centimeters in diameter, which exploded when agitated, disturbed, stepped on, or looked at. The shrapnel didn't do much damage, but there was a high chance of inducing coughing, tearing up, and making breathing difficult. All of the symptoms were disadvantageous in pitched situations. Like when Interns and Representatives were swarming the customers.

  The very best thing about the whole data set was, that everything was quantified. Skills, statistics, even the life force! Zoli decided to copyright the system, so that when and if he got back to Earth, he could sell it to corporations. The Managers wouldn't need to guess, they would see the Intelligence, Willpower, and Endurance of the workforce! How much easier would it be to choose the right Representative for the right work?

  The savings, a company could effect even within a year!

  It was simply unbelievable, that no one had the idea yet.

  “Honored CEO!” Colette from O&A and Ellen from Quality Management moved to the next point, leaving Zoli dreaming about how to copyright the system and sell it.

  “According to the Business Plan and Process Map, the customers have to find and defeat every last Zone Leader in the Forest and Lake Biomes to be eligible to enter the Mountain Biome. To continually harness customer-directed metrics, our distinctive innovation is to rotate the Zone Leader position between the different Fox Families. Distributed quality vectors would ensure leveraged customer satisfaction."

  That was actually a good idea. Periodically swapping out the leadership position, the customers would need to find and defeat all four Fox Family patriarchs. Not to make the other three markedly inferior, he needed to promote (or demote) them to Senior Agents. That, in turn, meant that the Red Fox Female had to be permanently demoted to a simple Agent.

  Zoli hoped, the press wasn't watching, and none of the offended wage slaves snitched. Unfortunately, his company did not have an Integrity Team or an Ombudsperson to direct complaints to.

  Anyways, in order to achieve gender equality, he decided to elevate two of the Fox family matriarchs to Alternate Zone Leaders. He randomly chose the Kleptofox and the Cryptofox female.