I spent my last day as a nobody the same way I always did, wandering aimlessly through the city for hours on end and avoiding the Stacks. I trawled all my usual stomping grounds and loitering spots, wondering if anything had really changed at all. I guess I felt a little prouder now that I was a soldier.

  Maybe… Not really.

  My body kept moving forward while my mind wandered in circles, trying out words to see if any of them fit. I knew I should be happy. For the first time in my life, I had a real plan to get out of this city, a chance to finally escape the Stacks for good. It just didn't feel any different— I didn't really feel much of anything but sore and tired. The same ads played on the banners. I walked the same empty streets between the shift changes and wasted the day. So far, all I'd done was say some empty words and sign some papers, just like I'd done at my glorified daycare of a school. Sure I was a soldier now, but what did that actually mean?

  It came as no real surprise when I looked around and found myself standing at the rail junction where I'd met Mister Reid. In a single day, my whole life had changed and now I had no idea where I was headed. I sat down a little too quick, sliding my back between the bars of the railing, my shirt's hem fluttering when a rail car shot by below. My stiff legs couldn't get comfortable. I pulled out the first of many bagged meals and chewed it over.

  "Any way I could get the juice outta that?" I looked up and saw Mister Reid leaning on the railing beside me. "Nice shiner by the way, you must've put up a good scrap for the recruiter to land you one like that."

  "No. Parting gift from my father actually. How'd you know I was here?" I asked, offering up the viscous red veggie cocktail.

  "I take it you didn't see my message then." He pulled a rugged handheld that looked more like a slim brick than the flimsy tablets I was used to and handed it to me.

  [P.Reid#114] / < Hey kid, hope it went well for you. If so, meet me where we met before so I can give you a proper send off. >

  "Sorry, I don't have a handheld. I used to sneak my parents' when they weren't around. I was actually thinking about what you told me."

  "Just the good stuff, I hope." He sipped at the juice packet. "Damn, I've missed these. You can practically chew the preservatives in it."

  "It was that thing about how being a soldier could take me anywhere. I've never left the city before. What if I screw up? It's not like I've got anywhere to go back to if I can't hack it out there."

  "Everybody screws up sometimes, so long as you keep trying that's something to be proud of."

  "But what if I'm in a fight and-" I started.

  "Then you'll be dead before you realize what you botched." His spare hand wandered to his hollowed stomach. "Those kind of screwups are too quick to follow at the time. You just have to learn what you can after the fact. Most mistakes aren't that pricey though. Look Kid, don't drive yourself crazy about what might or would be. If you fail you can figure it out from there, but if you're busy worrying about failing then your not really giving it your all. You know? Everybody starts somewhere, and some of them even turn out halfway decent in the end."

  "Like you?" I asked. The captured light left his eyes while the banners cycled.

  "Some of them…" Mister Reid answered distantly.

  I tore open the packaging and started gnawing on some grub-meat (actual real meat!) while he sipped at his juice, staring at something a thousand meters away. It was a clear day, but I don't think any light would reach where he was looking.

  "You said when you became a soldier, everything changed. How?" I asked quietly.

  "That's… it's a lot of things. I had a place to be, a cause. Me and the lads were all in it together, and no one knew what would happen next. It was like my entire life was a nice, clean, straight line then a bunch of toddlers with pens made everything… messy. But you get used to it and looking back all those scribbles are kind of, not so bad. Now that I'm out it's all kind of nice, I guess. Even the lousy stuff I hated at the time. It's hard to explain to someone who's never been in, but one day you'll get it."

  I eyed him sceptically but said nothing.

  "Look Kid I'm not a words guy. If you want some pretty story about the plucky upstarts who saved the day, look somewhere else. Soldiering is tough! It's so hard you'll wonder if this is the last time you win and that's all she wrote. But then you do win, you survive and there's… there's nothing like it at all. Soldiering is worth it because of how bad it can be. With the bots there were times—lots of times—when I just wanted it to end, but then you'll see your buddy standing right next to you in the thick of it with a stupid grin and suddenly it doesn't matter anymore. You know that if you give up, that's it. And it won't be any better for the friends who are still around. Then one day…"

  He scowled, and a second later savagely threw the juice packet into the ravine of metal and stone. A curving spurt of thick red juice hung in the air a moment afterwards, then fell to the ground and splattered into a messy red puddle. A train below sounded its horn as it flattened the package and drew the liquid over the hard ground beneath it in a smear, a sloppy painter's stroke of pulpy red lining the tracks.

  "If you're just going to throw it, I'm not going to give you any more." I said as I turned my eyes from the red mess and started on my can of soup. It was best not to think about the mess below. It wasn't my problem.

  "Damn it, you're just like I used to be." Mister Reid turned and slumped down beside me.

  While I ate, trains passed us with the mechanical indifference that thrived in this city. His shirt tail pulled itself free and flapped in the wind like a tiny grey pennant reaching out for every passing train. A bright blue beetle scuttled up to us, glossy carapace shining defiant of the bleak grey surroundings— a little seed of color in a barren place. I gave the little guy a chunk of bread before it spread its wings and flew away.

  "I don't know how things changed Kid. I wish I did but I don't. Maybe nothing's changed, and I'm just seeing it in my head. When we were fighting the bots, we'd always talk about going home one day to a better world than we'd left. We were fighting for humanity! We thought we were, at least. Being a soldier is… it's more than a job. It takes over your whole life but it's rewarding. It takes everything you've got and it gives you back twice as much in ways you'd never expect. It makes you appreciate things differently. The best burger I've ever ate was so greasy it could have gagged a million roaches, but after finally scrapping the bots on Aura Major and Minor after two years of fighting, it was like a bite of that perfect home we always pictured. Now that I'm back… All I know is this city didn't use to be so damn grey and empty, but I just can't get away from it." His following words were barely a whisper. "Sometimes, it's like only the metal parts of me came back to a stranger's home."

  I looked at him, and for a second, I thought I saw someone else. Someone who looked so incredibly tired and worn out that there was nothing left on the inside. A person who had gave his all and been found wanting. I tore at my loaf of sweet bread and offered up the larger half.

  "Normally when I felt empty, it was because I was hungry." I stated.

  He looked down at the bread, then up to me, and it was as if he had changed his face by magic. He still looked tired, but it wasn't the same soul-deep weariness as before. Everything I'd thought I saw was gone and he could have been an older mirror of myself.

  If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  "Not everything is about food, Kid." He said, but he still took the loaf and ate it. A weak smile spread on his face after the first bite. "It's amazing the terrible things you miss. I'm not sure if I even have enough guts left to actually digest this, but damned if it doesn't bring back memories."

  "Why shouldn't it be? Food, water and something worth living for. I'd give an awful lot for those three things on a steady schedule. Did you eat well as a soldier?" I asked around mouthfuls of my own sweet bread, every bite tasting better than my last. I figured that I knew the answer, but I wanted him to keep talking.

  "Four meals a day, ten days a week. They never missed a one unless you were cut off entirely, but I wouldn't call it anything special. Same thing with your mail, even if they had to hot-drop it in like an ammo resupply. They always wanted us to know what we were fighting for was bigger than what we were up against. Give it a year though, and you'll be so sick of these mealbread loaves you'll trade an entire paymail for a tin of salted butter just to taste something else."

  "I'll have to make sure that I don't get cut off then. I'd hate to miss a meal."

  "Why is food so important to you Kid?" Mister Reid asked.

  "Everyone needs food." I said with a shrug. "Guess I'm just a poor dumb farm kid after all. Always thinking with an empty stomach."

  "That's not what I meant… It's- never mind. You'll be shipped out of here before too long. Any big plans for your last night as a free man? I'm guessing that signing bonus is burning a hole in your pocket."

  "I dunno. I was thinking I'd sleep on the streets, wouldn't be my first time."

  "You don't got a place to stay the night Kid?"

  I shook my head and kept eating. With this much food, I could probably last two weeks if I needed too so long as I didn't gorge myself. Even if I couldn't make the food last, I still had plenty of money in my bank account. I didn't even know what to spend it on, I'd never had so much before. What could I need that the army wouldn't supply?

  Mister Reid managed to suck his lips while chewing on his loaf. When he finished I thought he was going to speak, but he just took another bite. It was amusing to see someone literally chewing over an idea to see how it tasted. My mind and body seemed like separate things to me but seeing him use the two in tandem was like studying a cutaway of how his brain worked. He tackled things one bite at a time.

  "You'll have plenty of time for roughing it once you've got a uniform and some kit. I've got extra space in my condo, and I'll be damned before I let a fellow soldier sleep on the streets like some slum rat junkie."

  "But you're retired." I protested, instantly aware of just how filthy I was from slumming it all day.

  "That just means I'm not active service. It doesn't make me a civilian. There's no such thing as a soldier for a term, anyone who says they were was never a real soldier in the first place. It's not some job you hang up one day and move on from. Soldiering is a lifestyle that'll stick to you like month-old undies. You'll learn that someday." We got up and he led the way. After a few minutes he asked.

  "You'd hate to miss a meal. What about your mail?"

  "You're the only person who's wrote me since I finished school. In fact, you're the second person who's even talked to me since I graduated last month, after Miss Brennan." I hefted the rugged handheld and tried to return it, but he waved me off.

  "Didn't you have any mates you wanted to keep in touch with?"

  "I tried few times with a couple of people, but they never answered me. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess." I offered the handheld more insistently, but he wouldn't be swayed.

  "Hard to believe Kid. Sports team? Church buddies? Club crowd? Nobody?"

  I held up my fingers as I counted them off. "The only sports team my school had was boxing and there wasn't any grants for someone like me. Never joined any clubs because there weren't any, only workplace co-ops in the Stacks. Mom got my family banned from the Secular Churches, I don't remember why, and John threatened to burn me alive in the streets as a heretic if I went to any of the other denominations. Nobody missed me once I was gone. Now would you just take your damned tablet back already!?"

  "You may as well keep it, no point writing you if you can't read it. We can call it even since you gave me this." Mister Reid toasted me with his hunk of bread.

  "There's no way that's a fair trade. This is worth-" I started.

  "It's not about the cost, Kid. I can buy another one of those. Hell, I've got more money that I know what to do with in the time I got left. To me the things I can't buy, this meal and some decent company, are worth more than that little screen could ever be— more so if it means we can keep in touch, one soldier to another. Hard as it may be to believe, I'm not exactly drowning in friends either. We can be pen pals, just like the old days. Just make sure you write me when you can and we'll call it square."

  "It may be worth it to you, but I still feel like I'm ripping you off." I said sullenly.

  "Fine Kid, I'll make a deal with you. When your contract is up or you've got some leave banked up and you're in town again, you can pay me back but you can't just buy me off. We'll do something, just two old friends getting together at the end. How's that?" He held out a hand and waited for me to shake it.

  "Five years is a long time. Can you hold off on catching your train that long?" I asked, and Mister Reid smiled his thin rictus grin.

  "Five years or until you're getting off-planet and not a day sooner Kid, I swear it on the Adversary."

  I clasped his hand and gave it a firm shake. "It's a promise then. I'd better not do anything stupid, like getting mulched until I can repay you."

  "I'd appreciate that Kid. Come on, let's get out of here. This place makes me want to kill myself."

  We walked in quiet companionship as day gave way to dusk. When we arrived at his building, I saw that his place was a simple midrise in one of the older residential parts of the city. We only climbed two flights of stairs before stalking the halls and arriving at his door.

  His condo was plain and spartan but for different reasons than my parents'. Everything he owned was well made and in good repair— there just wasn't much of it. A long couch and small table sat tucked in the corner of his main room. The airy kitchen was nestled in the other, and three open doors made up the far wall: one going to a dark bedroom, another to a room with a large metal desk and the last going to a spacious bathroom. The blueish-grey walls paired with his scant furniture, high ceiling and large windows to make the space feel massive and airy.

  "Home sweet home," Mister Reid said while kicking off his boots. "Play your cards right and one day you can stay somewhere a lot nicer than this dump Kid. It's not much, but it's better than the streets."

  "Are you kidding me? This room alone is twice the size of my parents' entire apartment! And look, you even have your own bathroom!"

  "Yeah… didn't you?" He asked. I shook my head and he quickly changed the topic. "Well, I'd give you the tour, but you can see everything from here. If you need it, the machine wash is in the bathroom. Help yourself to whatever you want from the crisper, it's your last night as a free man after all. Sorry about the slim pickings, I wasn't planning on… having company."

  There really wasn't much food to choose from (and I was still stuffed from the packaged meal we'd shared) but I still nibbled on the snacks he offered to be polite. What I hungered for were his stories about soldiering and that was a bottomless buffet. He started off with mundane wisdom and a bunch of common sense lessons I'd never even thought about. The longer he talked, the more it seemed like he needed this more than I did— like something had been blocked up inside him building pressure until it either vented or exploded.

  Mister Reid had served with the Colonial Marines (which was somehow different from the Infantry, though I didn't really understand how, but it was!) for almost thirty years— all of the bot wars and a few peaceful years on the tail end. It was odd how some of the stories he enjoyed telling the most were the ones that seemed the worst. It was always at those darkest moments when his smile was at its most sincere. An unguarded smile of my own had appeared at some point, I only noticed it after my cheeks started to ache and I felt my black eye smarting. He spoke for a long time and I was content to listen, trying to enjoy his stories the same way he did, but I couldn't entirely distance myself from the horror of the worst. He would talk about day-long firefights against every make of bot in creation or the radical augmented humans fighting with them like some cherished first date. In one, a man had crawled trailing his guts for fifty meters so he could hand off his pack of smokes to a buddy before he bled out.

  With an honest smile, he recalled the final words of so many men and women it made me wonder if he was some specter of death, always watching but never claimed by that final embrace. It should have been horrifying, but Mister Reid never really lost his bittersweet smile for half-remembered bygone years. It was like somehow he was still carrying that fire of lost youth, almost like the burden of these evil memories was worth it so long as he never forgot his comrades in arms.

  I don't know when but I started nodding off, and he left me to sleep on his soft couch. Our farewells in the morning were shy things that only bared their heads when there was no more time to delay. We'd only known each other for a few days, but I still didn't want to say goodbye.

  "Look Kid, if you think that you owe me… you'd better pay me back someday." He said with an awkward pat on the shoulder.

  "We'll meet again Mister Reid."

  "Get out of here Ki- Recruit Reid. You've got a job to do."